Say Cheese

I just got back from Target with the kids. One of the items on my list was tampons. I'm standing on that aisle looking for what I need when the three year old starts shouting, "I want some cheese sticks!" I told him that we could have a cheese stick when we got home but he started reaching for the tampon boxes on the shelves. "Cheese sticks! Cheese sticks!" he shouted. At this point, my eight year old (who knew they were NOT cheese sticks) is cracking up.

I grabbed what I needed and headed for check out. All the lines were packed but I selected one and when I put all my items on the conveyor belt the little one saw the Tampax again. "What is that?" he asked. I told him those were for mommy. "Mommy's special cheese sticks!" His older brother is now hysterical. The little one kept shouting, "I want Mommy's special cheese sticks!" while grabbing for the tampons. Did I mention that all the lines were packed? Yeah. I'm going to have to wear a disguise the next time I go to Target.

Feburotten? Suckuary?

I am SO ready for March to arrive.  February has been horrible.  Since Feb. 5th this is what I have dealt with:

• Bobby had the stomach flu
  
• I had a horrible cold
  
• Charlie had a horrible cold
  
• Someone rear ended me - I was stopped at a light and she hit me going about 35 - major damage to both cars but everyone was OK
  
• Dealing with insurance/rental cars for said accident
• downstairs toilet broke
• modem broke - no internet!
• oven broke
• husband out of town all last week and for most of the next three weeks
• moron at Sears sells us an oven that upon delivery does not fit
• still have no oven
• Stepfather diagnosed with prostate cancer
• Grandmother has been in hospital since last Thursday with severe anemia
• Charlie woke up last night with a bad cold/croup

Seriously, if anything else goes wrong I am going to lose it.  It really doesn't help that husband is out of town for all of this as well.  I am trying to remain positive but it's getting harder.  Girl Scout cookies are helping somewhat but there is only so much they can do.

I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.

Charlie loved Christmas. Especially the lights. The lights on the tree. The lights on the street. Now that they are all gone he really misses them. Every morning when he comes downstairs he says, "Christmas all gone." It broke my heart for about a week but now I'm kind of used to it.

Yesterday in the car Charlie said, "Take shoes off?" I told him no, that it was really cold and he needed to leave them on. When we got home he was completely barefoot. I said, "Charlie, what happened?" He said, "It's a Christmas miracle!"

In Which I Turn a Year Older and Hate on Pier 1

Yesterday was my birthday. Despite the general dread of being one year closer to 40, (full disclosure - I'm now 37) it went pretty well. The best part was my husband's present - a laptop! Yes, I have been blogging and shopping from Ye Olde Desktoppe. But those days are over. I have had this thing in my lap for most of the past 24 hours. My children - they will probably be neglected while I delight in laptoppiness. My house - well, it's already neglected, but it obviously is not going to get any better this week. Hopefully the threat of houseguests the day after Christmas will allow me to get up and do some laundry or dust. But don't count on it.

In other news, whaddup with the bitchy sales staff at Pier 1? I went in the other day to pick up an ornament or two for my book club's ornament swap. I ended up buying three ornaments and took them to the counter. The sales lady looked at me with total disdain and said, "Is that all the ornaments your tree will hold"? It was so rude that I couldn't even initially respond. I finally said, through gritted teeth, "No, MY tree is full. These are for an ornament exchange, bitch". OK, I didn't say bitch, but it was implied in my tone, trust me. On what planet would anyone say this to anyone else, much less an employee to a customer!!! Probably be awhile before I stick my head in there again.

Scenes from the hallway

The Husband: Come on boys! I'm taking you outside! Get your shoes!

The Boys: Yeah! Yeah! Outside! Yeah!

The Husband: (to me) I'll take the boys outside while you get ready. Wait, do you even know where outside is?

Me: Of course. It's where the stores are.

Sex and Money

Yesterday while out and about running errands, that old '80's song, "Livin' in the Wild, Wild West" came on the radio. There is a line that says, "Gimme gimme safe sex". So Bobby says, "Mom, what's safe sex?" Great.

Now I am a mom who believes in answering honestly. He has already had the rundown about how babies are born and due to a trip to the pharmacy with him a few weeks ago, he knows that there is "special medicine mommy takes that keeps her from having more babies". He's an inquisitive one, this kid.

Anyhoo, I decided not to give him the full rundown on STD's, but since he already sort of knew about birth control I told him that it meant that you were careful when you had sex to make sure that you weren't going to have a baby. So then he wanted to go over the whole "How you make a baby" which is fine, but really? I just wanted to go to Target.

Thankfully, he was diverted by driving by our bank which brought up his favorite topic, money. He had to go through all the different ways you could acquire big bills. Forget one dollar bills, my kid likes fives, tens and twenties. It is his dream to have a fifty or one hundred dollar bill.

He always says stuff like, "If I saved up three weeks worth of allowance and added the money I already have I could go to the bank and get a ten and a five and still have some ones". I tell him that is correct. "If I saved up my allowance for two months and added the money I have I could get a twenty and a ten, if I had some change from my piggy bank". You see how this conversation was going. He could do this all day. I guess it's good that he understands money but can't we just talk about Star Wars again?

Read this

How is it that I am just now reading The Glass Castle? I started it yesterday and ended up sitting up until 1am to finish it. It was so good. I don't know why I like reading stories about someone's crazy, dysfunctional childhood, but I do. I've read Angela's Ashes several times. This was sort of the American version of that book. I think the thing I like about both of these books is that the author still loves his/her parents very much. There is anger and bewilderment but also love.

Also, I think it makes me feel better about my own life. I quit crabbing about people stealing my towel at the pool or that I spent this morning scraping chewing gum out of my dryer. (I always check the pockets, but that damn piece of Super Bubble eluded me).

Anyhoo, if you haven't read this wonderful book yet, you really should.

Urinetown

The neighborhood pool has not had an auspicious start this year. My first trip this year someone STOLE my towel! Hello, it's a neighborhood pool. Do not think for one minute that when I see someone with my Lands End pink and white polka dot towel that I will not reclaim it. I'm afraid it might get ugly. I was stranded with no towel for me or Charlie since I thought, "He's little - we'll share this big towel". So we were both stuck.

The last time I went to the pool we were playing on the stairs which have these fountains that shoot water out where a lot of the younger kids play. This girl who was at least nine or ten goes shooting up the steps holding herself, screaming, "MOM! I HAVE TO GO THE BATHROOM!" Before her mom can even put down her book, the kid yells, "I'M GOING RIGHT NOW!" Sure enough, she has pee running down her legs (right in front of my lounge chair, of course).

Now, friends, if this had happened to me, I would have died a thousand deaths right there. But I think I discovered the problem when I looked over and the mother is laughing her ass off. Not helping. Not jumping to her feet to help her daughter to the bathroom. Not even pretending like she doesn't know her. Just laughing so hard she can't speak and pointing in the direction of the bathroom.

The girl starts for the bathroom which is completely at the other end of the pool. She runs/waddles half way there and stops, turns around and screams back at her mother, "IT'S OK! I'M FINISHED NOW!" Well, thanks. So back in she hops. The mother never even got up and said anything to her. She was WAY too old for this to even have happened. Much less not to at least have someone tell her that you may not want to scream about peeing your pants across a public pool. It's only mid-June. It's gonna be a LONG summer at the pool.

Scenes from the sofa

Scene: Evening on the sofa after dinner. The Husband has been complaining all day about a pulled muscle in his leg.

Husband: Ow. Ow. My leg is killing me.

Wife: Ooh, look - old Saturday Night Live with Justin Timberlake. Let's watch that.

Husband: Ow.

Justin sings.

Husband: You know that I'm bringing sexy back, don't you?

Wife: With that gimpy leg?

Husband: I'm bringing it slowly.

Withdrawl

Thursday night my monitor died. The power flickered about three times but never went out. When I went back upstairs the monitor would not turn back on. To be fair, it is ten years old. Unfortunately, my husband was in the middle of a major crisis at work and since he is the guru of all things technical, I had to wait until last night to get and install my new monitor.

48 hours with no computer. I had no idea how hard that would be. I would rather it have been the television! But now I have a fancy 22" monitor which I am loving so it's all good. I had to spend about five straight hours catching up on email and my blogs. And I haven't even caught up on my shopping yet!

Yum

Last night I was finally able to get a babysitter and The Husband and I went to a new wine, cheese and tapas bar called Soif. Now I know you're thinking "Tapas? That's so 1999!" Well, in my husbands opinion it technically qualifies as a "medium plate" restaurant. All I know is, it was really good. I got the chef's four course tasting menu with wine pairings. I love getting pairings 'cause I love trying all the different wines. The first wine I had with my appetizer (which was an unbelievable radish soup) was a Budini Mendoza Malbec. I know, I never heard of it either, but they have a wine shop next to the restaurant and I left with two bottles. It is GOOD.


Anyway, you are probably still wondering about that radish soup. I really don't care for radishes. Does anyone? However, this soup was incredible. It was garlic, onion and radish pureed and had feta chesse and the tiniest little bits of tomato. I practically licked the bowl. I also had a tuna salad, quail and a dessert that was pound cake, brownie and fresh strawberries. I will definately be going back. The owner came over and gave us a tour of the wine shop and was really nice.


I am hoping that The Husband and I can do this more often since he is now a food writer/restaurant critic for a local paper. Sometimes I can't make it and he has a deadline, so I have been missing a bunch of great places. I am determined to not let this happen anymore! He has had a food blog for awhile. If you haven't visited it yet, do: http://alforno.blogspot.com/

Mommy Hears Some Counting

Despite needing to clean up the Easter mess which is still all over the house, I took Bobby (now seemingly healthy) to see Horton Hears a Who. I thought it was cute - I laughed out loud several times. But after sitting through Alvin and the Chipmunks (I swear I'm still recovering) I think my expectations have been lowered.

Charlie impressed me today. All winter, when I have changed Charlie's diaper I count the snaps as I resnap his pants. (In case you were wondering, toddler pants have eight snaps.) So I have basically counted to eight for almost all his diaper changes. This afternoon, I went to snap him back up and said, "One." And he said, "Two!" Wow! "What's next?" I asked. He got three, four and then said six instead of five. When I corrected him he got six, didn't say anything for seven but when I said "seven", he said eight! What a smartypants.

Oops

So I have been missing in action for a month. Here's the rundown. I got the stomach flu - the day before I was supposed to leave for my girls trip to Mexico. I had to postpone my trip a day because I couldn't even sit up, much less fly. Got there finally, had a GREAT time but you know how some medicine says "May cause sensitivity to sun". They ain't lying. I was in the sun a grand total of two hours and I burned in weird splotchy patches all over.

When I got home my skin started peeling off everywhere. Even places I wasn't burned! I can't even remember the last time I peeled. Or burned. Anyhoo, I was worn out after all the sickness, travel, etc. Then came Easter and spring break. My mom and step-dad have a house in St. Augustine so we went down there for a few days.

Today I was supposed to be out all day with a friend who was coming in from out of town but of course yesterday morning Bobby woke up with a high fever and then starting throwing up. So that was yesterday.

But I'm back.

Some Gift Giving Advice

Last night I had to get a few things at the grocery store and I saw a grown man standing in front of the already picked over Valentine's gifts. He was clutching a large stuffed dog with sad eyes that was holding a little heart that said, "I Love U". I REALLY wanted to go over and say,"Put it back. Trust me. Candy. Flowers. Just not the dog." Then I realized that it was really none of my business. However, if you are reading this and just received that dog as your present....sorry, I just couldn't say it.

What is it with the stuffed animals at Valentine's Day?!? In my opinion, there is no day of the year on which a stuffed animal is an appropriate gift for an adult. I haven't thought a stuffed animal was a good present since I was six. I brought this up with The Husband when I got home from the store. He suggested that I might be the Valentine's Day version of The Grinch and that I probably would feel differently if someone bought me a stuffed animal. However, such is not the case.

In 8th grade, I was "going with" a boy named Tony. For Valentine's Day I received a card and ..... a stuffed teddy bear. Even in the 8th grade I was thinking, "What the hell am I supposed to do with this?" Rest assured the relationship ended shortly after the bear incident. In 6th grade I was "going with" a boy named Scott* who got me three red roses.

Now you're talkin'.


*Scott and I did not last either. Without going into the gory details, our love did not survive the vicious rumors that were started during the school field trip to the movie Gandhi.

Now I Know My ABC's

Charlie is in love with ALL things Elmo. This is new for us as our older child never really cared for Elmo or Sesamee Street at all. He was a Bob the Builder man. But I digress.



For Christmas Charlie received this book:






Please note that it includes a "Companion DVD". That he is addicted too. He won't even watch regular Sesamee Street anymore. As soon as he sees Elmo or Cookie Monster (his second favorite) he starts screaming "GAA GEE". Which means turn the DVD on NOW. He wants to see the DVD not new episodes. He SCREAMS until you put it on. So usually I put it on. As soon as it ends he brings the DVD remote to me and yells, "AGAIN!" This is basically all that is on our TV if he is awake.

The DVD is about 15 minutes long and consists of back to back alphabet skits. So really it's 15 minutes of puppets singing, saying, jump roping and rapping the alphabet. It gets old. To be honest there is one segment that is sort of fun. There is a trio of pigs that are supposed to be like the Andrews Sisters, who do a big band boogie woogie version of the ABC's. It's so jazzy you just can't help but sing along! "A, Oink, B Oink, C Oink, D Oink, Oink Oink, EFG!" Maybe you have to hear it. I'm not saying I'm going to put it on my ipod or anything, I just like it.

Timber

I was driving along a busy road today when a scruffy looking guy ran out in the road and started waving his arms. Well, I was in the left lane so I just kept on going but I was a little nervous. I didn't see a car so I thought he must be a hitchhiker or just your garden variety crazy person. As soon as I passed him I glanced in the rearview and the top of a giant tree landed in the road!!! I am talking about five feet or more of pine tree. I realized that there were some guys trimming the tree and they have trimmed it onto the ROAD!!! A BUSY road where the speed limit is 50! Shouldn't they have some signs blocking a lane off or something? Seriously, this thing almost landed RIGHT on top of my car! I don't think sending someone wearing NO safety equipment or uniform out in the street waving their hands at you qualifies as "ensuring a safe environment". So - close call, but I still lived to get that Egg McMuffin so it was all good.